Journal entries of an Australian romuvis- Vision quest 1990 (20yrs old)

This journal was written at a time in my life after I had moved to Sydney and found a wealth of knowledge on all things occult. Wollongong, where I finished my schooling, had no occult bookshops except for of in a terrace house in Kiama and I had a real thirst for the answers to questions that I didn't even know at the time. I was looking for something but I just didn't know what at the time. I had read lots of different kinds of books on topics concerning various styles of divination, astral projection, meditation and spiritual awakening exercises. I joined a secret Order of Kabbalists where I studied and practiced the Golden Dawn system of magic. I had read books about the North American Indian custom of vision quest and it really inspired me to do my own personal Vision Quest to find my own vision for my life. Traditionally the rite of Vision Quest usually performed after time spent in the sweat lodge which is a type of sauna. I did not perform the sweat lodge because it was too difficult to organise here in Australia. I did however, adhere to the other customs of fasting while on the journey and opening my ears to the local Spirits and my totems who wish to guide me. I had the understanding that the Totems would look after me and if it so happened that my time was up and I had a fatal accident on this Quest, then it wouldn't matter if I was in the middle of wildness or crossing a busy city street, if my time was up then my time was up. I was pretty confident that my guides would protect me and that it wasn't my time to leave this life yet so I organised a friend to drop me off at Yeola in Kangaroo Valley and I started my own Vision quest.

June 2,1990.
Kangaroo Valley, NSW.

Well, here I am sitting at the top of the mountain. What a climb! Must be at least 80 degree climb through dense trees and vines that kept dragging me back, as if silent warnings telling me that, "this is not your home!". I saw so many animal homes everywhere whether it be a hole in the ground, tree or rotten log. I just know that this place is secretly alive. I saw lots of different types of faeces on the ground making me wonder, "who left that?!". After all the fumbles, tumbles and crawling on all 4's today, I feel  that I faced the challenge put before me, (with a bloody heavy backpack!). I feel humbled especially having to make the journey mostly on hand and knee. I persevered and conquered the challenge!

It only took me near on 5 hours to scale this mountain, but I was buggered. I pushed myself to my limits, and then, even a bit further. I feel good even though  I lost a water bottle over a cliff and had to carry the other one upside down because it had a HOLE in the bottom! I now get to relax here, looking down on the valley. It's a fantastic view! 

I can only just see the top of farmer Joe's house roof, I'm not close enough to the edge and the trees are too tall. Such a beautiful vista. I feel like I'm peering down from the top of the world and I have a better perspective on the full picture of my life. I've been sitting here for almost 5 hours, meditating while looking over the valley.

The Sun has just sunk down below the horizon and I am having to write with the light from a candle so I'd better set up camp for the night.

I set up the tent and have a good fire going. There's heaps of good burning wood up here. I can't wait for the Stars to come out, I know they'll be brilliant!

3rd June,1990.

What a night! The millions of twinkling stars in the night sky amazed me, awed me and once again humbled me even further. I felt my own insignificance in this universe but I still feel somehow integral to it's overall workings. I am sure that there is a reason for my existence despite being such an infinitesimal part of the universe.

In saying that after several hours of meditation and star gazing, the rest of the night was spent being scared out of my wits. I thought there was lots of animals living onon the slopes of the mountain but there seems to be so many more up here on the top. There were lots of Kangaroos and other nocturnal marsupials and birds. The night was filled with sounds of loud thuds, marsupials screaming, owls screeching and the eerie creaking of eucalypt branches. I was really scared. It's not like camping in the main camping area. I was so afraid that I'd camped in some animals territory which I would have to defend my little spot. Luckily, I didn't because I really would've done if I was put in that situation but I survived the night without confrontation. 

I'm sitting here, looking over the valley and watching the rising Sun. What a welcome sight! As the light grows in strength, I can see there are large trampled spots all over the place showing signs of the night activity. The mountain is alive with the sounds of all sorts of morning bird songs. It is like listening to an ambiance music cd! So relaxing! I still feel that I am a PART of nature but not yet have found harmony WITH nature. The world of humankind from where I come, is very far from natures cycles and her laws, but I feel that this is a major goal that I must pursue to achieve in my life.

Well after lots of determination and a hard slog, I am now past the top of the waterfall. I spent many an hour gazing up from the base of the waterfall and often wondered what lay beyond and now I'm finally here! The land is so steep and dense with vines that kept dragging me back. I had to cut myself free so many times!

I found myself sliding on one leg sideways down the slope and when my leg slid into a hole, up to my thigh. I just stopped still, got my leg out of the hole and continued sliding. My Guides must be looking after me. I could have broken my leg if I kept sliding when my leg fell into the hole. 

My back pack seems to be handling the journey pretty well so far although I dread the thought of the trek back up the mountain slope. It's going to be a hard trip! I had to stop every 50 meters to have a break and to ensure that everything is still fastened. I lost my axe somewhere on the way and now don't have any water bottles, but I'm sure the Great Spirit(Rainbow Serpent) must have been a reason, so I just kept pushing forward.

I've learnt that my personal motto of, "constantly learning=constantly growing", is false or at least, not true for me anymore. I feel that the way I am growing out here in the wilderness is by adapting. All these trees, ferns and animals don't grow because of learning but by adapting to their surroundings within their universe. the terrain here is so harsh and in the inhabitants can be so hostile that I am always wary where I step. 

All these creatures have survived because they adapted and now it's my turn!  I feel that I am awakening to a deeper understanding within me and I don't know where it will take me but I am learning to be adaptable really quickly. I've had to crawl on all 4s like a babe in this wilderness with much to learn.

With the sound of the flowing water of the River, I set up camp and now have a little fire going. I'm resting at last and time to consult my tarot deck out of interest and further guidance. I used a 7 card layout where the 4th card represents the main energy at play in my life.

I used only the trumps of the Thoth deck which I shuffled and dealt while concentrating on the sound of the River and the Birds songs. These are the cards that I drew from the deck:

16. Tower'

6. Lovers (reversed) Zain-7

8. Strength Teh-9

14. Temperance (reversed) Samekh-60

2. High Priestess Gamel-3

1. The Magician (reversed) Bes-2

3. The Empress Daleth-4

Attributes of Binah understanding, the colour red, life, Rainbow Serpent come through strongly with this reading.

When meditating on the first card, the Tower, I feel that it relates to the destruction of the self who I thought I was, surrendering my ego and pride of the self that I knew. The transformation is clearly related to Kether the Crown and the infinite white light that streams through everything in existence including myself. I feel that there may even be karmic forces at work The 4 lightening bolts on the card stop short of Hod(Sephiroth of glory), relating to my own ego. Interesting to note the energy flow through Binah(Sephiroth of understanding). How appropriate!! In the picture on the card, I see the crown being usurped is the false crown. Probably the crown of my ego. Balance is also a strong impression from the card.

When meditating on the Lovers card, I feel inspiration that will continue to motivate me to join with the universal power. I also feel that there are negative relationship issues that need to be dealt with because the card is reversed. 

The strength card is obvious to me as an expression of what I've needed to make this journey. The strength to crawl through the thousands of spiky vines that constantly cling to anything, hair, clothes, backpack and even skin! Not to mention the weight of my bloody backpack!! The woman pictured on the card symbolises Goddess Binah who teaches me the lesson of strength and the endurance to rach my goal of enlightenment. This Binah energy is so strong out here in the sticks and in the middle of no where. The Darwinian concept of' "the strongest survives" comes to mind and I accept the challenge!!!

The 3 cards combined speak much to me in relation to the reasons for me being on this vision Quest. To quote the bible, " Break me, melt me, mold me and remake me oh lord. My lord is Binah right now and she is doing a pretty good job. I've always had the desire to better myself and inspired to contemplate my own place and purpose in the universe. I've only ever wanted what was best for me and those around me. I'm not sure why I'm being led this way but I do feel that there are karmic forces at work in my life. I do have a strong fate line on my palm after all!

I feel that the High Priestess card relates to my own self transformation in the wilderness and may relate to a distant future role where I may be a priest in my own right. Not  a Christian priest of course but a priest of human kind and the universe perhaps.

The Magician card also relates back to how difficult this transformation may be but goes further to warn that there were some people that I was working with magicall in the Order that I should be wary of but if I use wisdom then I will be ,"a little bit closer" to true wisdom by better understanding of myself and where I fit in the universe. (Chokmah and Binah)

I feel The Empress card is telling me that I must accept a life of humility and servitude by royal appoint I see a beautiful person is emerging where balance and moderation is a way of life.

Final card is Temperance, reversed. This card  summarises my own inner realisation, and most importantly, action needed to fulfill my destiny.

It's getting dark, I'm getting wary and a bit scared so I'm going to do some meditating soon. Signing off for now.

4th June, 1990.

Well I finally got through the night! What a freezing night that it was! I kept waking every hour from the cold. I got up this morning waiting or rather praying for sunshine but it never came. I found my herbal tea bags. I made a good fire and boiled some water. it was great to have something warm! I really enjoy how slow life seems to be going out here, even making a cup of tea seems to take so long and I could imagine this is how my ancestors lived. 

I'm at the top of the waterfall which is in a valley between two towering cliffs which met further up the river. I packed up the campsite and left my back pack in a safe place before going further up the river. What a fantastic world this is!!! I made my way upstream between these 2 mighty cliffs which join before me in a massive canyon where thunders a beautiful waterfall. It is twice as big as the waterfall downstream . The cliffs must be at least 350 meters high and the waterfall seems to be even higher! Massive boulders fill the canyon like giant pebbles of weightless Styrofoam but I know they must weigh tonnes each.

The waterfall signifies the end of the journey but not the end of my quest. I feel relaxed and content with how far I've reached although the towering cliffs seem to boast of a further hidden glory of hidden beauty, almost seeming to mock my success. I am still happy! I can see the rainbow in the mist of the waterfall and reminds me that the mighty Rainbow Serpent is the great Spirit of this land. The cool wind spreads this mist across much of the canyon. I am just sitting here looking with wide eyes at the beauty and harshness of this isolated place. I just soaked it all in! After a little while, I am soaked through with water now, wind blown and covered in earth from my journey. 

I gathered some rocks and built my rock pile and meditated concentrating on my breath and the sound of the waterfall. It was an amazing meditation and I really felt comforted, inspired and encouraged to continue my quest to discover the real me. The light is starting to dwindle here in the valley and it's almost time for me to trek back to the top of the first waterfall, so I thank the Spirits for their guidance and protection. Without it,I couldn't have made it this far unscathed.

I'm exhausted!! I set up camp for the night and started a fire. I think I will rest well tonight.

5th of June,1990.

I left early this morning, refreshed after good nights sleep and a few cups of nice herbal tea. The mountain climb was very steep and crawled much of the way with dense canopy overhead that I could only see small patches of sky. I saw lots of funnel web spider homes but luckily they seemed to be more afraid of me, I think, I hope...  I didn't actually see any, thankfully. I found my lost ax as i climbed the slope! Yay!!

I searched for an open space where the Sun could shine but it was difficult. I did fin a large rock and climbed up to it's top, above the canopy. What a view looking down the slope, covered by dense green foliage like carpet. I could see down to where the mountain fell off at the first waterfall and then up to the ancient cliffs on the other side of the valley, that represented a barricade to other unseen beauty and harshness. 

It was on the top of that rock that I questioned myself. I asked the Spirits why i was doing this when most people have have a relaxing week end at home or attending BBQs while others are searching for their path in much more comfortable and safe ways. What the bloody hell am i doing here? I felt the answer deep in my soul. It didn't matter how others find their light within, I just had to tread this particular path to find my own path that will lead to enlightenment. It was at this moment that all the crawling, fear, sweating, dragging, falling, tripping and blisters seem to be worth it. I am grateful for the experience and I believe that the victory that I have achieved on this quest will glorify the soul and create a stronger foundation on which to grow further.

I found that my compass was broken in my pocket so I just found my bearings with the sun and crawled off in the right direction. I reached the summit, scratched, bleeding, sore and sweating profusely. I was still in the darkness of the canopy but found some wombat trails that led me to a spring. I was pretty dehydrated by that time and just drank and drank and drank. I had nothing to hold water in and only had about 2 hours of light left so I decided that it was time to get down from the mountain before darkness set in.

I found a very large animal track half way down the mountain. It was almost as wide as a road. I was virtually running down this track which lead to another creek. I had a drink and climbed down another steep hill and found another track that took me all the way to the bottom of the mountain. No one was here, I was still alone. I went down to the river and lay down on my stomach with my face in the water drinking like there's no tomorrow. I must have looked like the wild man from Borneo with long hair, beard and covered in dirt. I waived to farmer Joes wife as she drove past, she was oblivious to what I had just been through. I was buggered!! my Vision Quest was over or perhaps it was just starting.

6th of June, 1990.

Last night, I retrieved the food that I hid in the bushes before I left and had a nice meal. First food in 4 days and it felt good to finally have something in my stomach. I slept well last night despite waking up crying from a bad dream. it was unusual because I don't usually even remember my dreams, let alone wake up crying from them. I got a good fire and just sat by it, stoking it all day as I was just too sore and exhausted to do anything else. I had many a conversation with the fire and somehow sorted out some more issues that needed addressing. I contemplated on the earth shattering experiences of the last few days and came to a few conclusions. I learnt that I am like everyone else, no better, no worse. Anyone else who finding transformation in their own journey will have to go through their own set of trials and tribulations depending on what is needed evolve. Some people aren't even destined to achieve this understanding in this lifetime. That's ok, there is no superiority complexes needed because we're all on the same journey. Some are closer to the goal and others further away but as a human race, we're all in the same boat. Spiritual transformation will always cause a change in personal habits and not necessarily in the same way as I did. I have also come to understand that everyone else has their own way of dealing with life and finding their path. Just because i went out in the wilderness to learn about myself and the universe doesn't mean this way is any better than anyone elses way or is even relevant for everybody in their journey.

One of my major issue of my past has been my ego and my attachments to material possessions. I used to take pride in the advanced understandings that I had for my age and also for the path that was treading. I was becoming like a new born again Christian. I felt like I had found such incredible and life changing revelations that I would try and tell as many people as possible thinking that they would see the same truths. Many people don't and simply find it offensive to have their own personal views challenged, unsolicited(unasked for). 

I have found that most people are happy with their allotment in life and just care for any uncertain change.The path that others have chosen in their life isn't any less important than my own to them and i have no right to look down on anyone or think that I need to save anyone, or so I used to think. There are many roads to the same destination. Some take longer paths and some take shorter ones, but none is any better than the other, simply easier or harder. Some people must travel a very difficult path and others may travel a seeming blessed path in order to reach the same destination. It may take several lifetimes to reach the same degree of enlightenment. Therefore, I have learnt that unless someone asks for my opinion, I don't need to give it. It is my ego that drives me to be a kind of savior and I no longer feel the need to speak to everyone I meet about the truths that I have found. This realisation has led me to believe that proselytizing edifies my ego only feeds my vanity, which are not attractive qualities of myself which I want to develop. I hope that this realisation will manifest in my personality, nevertheless, i will keep a conscious check on my superiority complex.

My motto in life has now become, "Constantly adapting, constantly growing". This motto has become so important to me over the last few days. I realise that it was easy to become exasperated and even infuriated with getting caught on vines and having to crawl on all 4s. It would have been easy to say stuff it and thrown in the towel if I wasn't will to adapt to my environment. I didn't give up and the benefits that I reaped were multitudinous. I can relate this motto to so many situations and circumstances that I've been in and will be in. In saying that the wilderness the Spirits that exist there have changed me as a person, I will not be crawling home on all 4's.

I also learnt that the gods and local spirits do care for me and kept me safe on the journey. There were so many times when I could have been injured, stranded or even died, but I didn't. Some locals told me that there are many tiger snakes in the hills! Luckily, I did the quest in Winter, when they weren't breeding! (That's when they are most aggressive).

I could have broken my leg and been stranded with no help in the middle of the wilderness. I found animal trails to springs so that I could drink when I had no water bottles. I was really looked after!

I continued to camp at Yeola for another week and had organised for family and friends to meet there for my 20th birthday celebration. I worked hard to prepare termite dip, tree fern frond salad and nettle soup but they wouldn't eat my food and would only eat their own!

I hope you enjoyed reading my journal notes from this experience. feel free to leave a comment or follow!